Conviction

Performing the same activities again and again but with different emotions. One of the all-time low energy is being faced now. Don't know why. Excuse for sure is not getting a job. So many filters, so many expectations. I always fear about the fact that I have good experience. The outside world says he can get placed anywhere. Inner me is worried about having a flat takeoff. Expectations kill. I tried hard and pushed towards a tangent, almost there. In the end I got rejected for a reason which I didn’t expect. I am not responsible for it either. An objective reason. Taking time to recover from it. Can’t settle for less. Peer pressure hurts. Correction, seeing peers I am putting pressure on myself. Trying my best to not vex myself.

Still desiring the same thing which I know is almost impossible. My mind hasn't come out of it. It's still there, longing for it. I tried alternatives. It crashed terribly. Objective crashes again. I know, “If I don't desire it, I won’t get it”. I can’t desire anything except for the thing which I lost. Feeling stuck, feeling homeless. But I know, giving it time should help me. The monkiest brain and mind isn’t stopping, isn’t getting controlled. Fixing the gaps which I have. Probably it's just me forcefully binge watching everyday just to learn English pronunciation. I’m feeling sleepy after watching English episodes. It's just too hard for me, but I’ll do it. Not for the sake of boredom, for the sake of conviction I had, I have.

Veekay